


A Few New Ways in Which Merlin Makes a Nuisance of Himself

by RileyWilliamsJr



Series: A Few of Merlin's Abrupt Intrusions into the Wizarding World [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Merlin (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Gen, Gen Work, Light-Hearted, Modern Era, Texting, mostly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:22:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29857338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RileyWilliamsJr/pseuds/RileyWilliamsJr
Summary: Merlin quickly demonstrates to his wizard friends why letting a manic old warlock get his hands on the newest Muggle technology was a fundamentally bad idea.
Relationships: Albus Dumbledore & Merlin (Merlin), Hermione Granger & Harry Potter & Ron Weasley, Merlin (Merlin) & Harry Potter, Merlin (Merlin) & Minerva McGonagall
Series: A Few of Merlin's Abrupt Intrusions into the Wizarding World [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2089662
Comments: 37
Kudos: 141





	1. The Disorder of the Phoenix

Ginny Weasley _has named this conversation “The Disorder of the Phoenix.”_

**You** : Stop renaming the group chat.

 **Ginny Weasley** : But this one is funnier

 **You** : Neville’s going to get them mixed up. If he accidentally texts Dumbledore instead of Luna one more time, I think he might actually die.

 **Neville Longbottom** : Who is this?

 **Ginny Weasley** : Yea but that doesn’t make it any less funny

 **Neville Longbottom** : I think you have the wrong number…

 **Hermione Granger** : You’re sitting right next to each other, get off your phones.

 **You** : Hermione you’re the one who’s been googling how to spell barbecue for the past ten minutes.

 **Hermione Granger** : Stop looking over my shoulder!

 **Hermione Granger** : Is that how you spell it, though?

 **You** : I guess. Autocorrect seems to think so. Ginny, come on, change it back before anyone else notices. Now it’s basically indistinguishable from TOOTP chat!

 **Ginny Weasley** : Yea but I can’t mess with that one, it’s full of old people, they’ll get totally lost

 **Merlin the Great and Powerful** : f off

 **You** : Who added Merlin to the chat

 **Ginny Weasley** : Actually, wasn’t talking about you, Merlin. Tbh I forgot you were old

 **Merlin the Great and Powerful** : oh ok carry on

 **Merlin the Great and Powerful** : hey btw who changed my name

 **M** : there, fixed

 **Ginny Weasley** : How did you even—you know what never mind

 **You** : Seriously why is he here? He’s going to add Dumbledore again to mess with all of us.

 **M** : that was an accident

 **You** : You’re such a liar.

 **Hermione Granger** : Ron wants me to tell you all to shut it

 **You** : Tell him to tell us himself.

 **You** : Merlin did you add yourself to the group chat?

 **M** : no

 **Ginny Weasley** : Lol he totally did didn’t he

 **Hermione Granger** : That’s impossible.

 **You** : I thought we agreed to never say that word around him.

 **M** : rude

 **Hermione Granger** : I thought you had exams this week anyway??

 **M** : already done, just sitting here for a while so I don’t look suspicious

 **Hermione Granger** : I hate you.

 **M** : what? i’ve been a doctor for like 1500 years, on and off. if i don’t know it by now, we’re all in big trouble

 **Hermione Granger** : I don’t know why you don’t just learn to be a Healer. You are a wizard, after all.

 **M** : f that, i can barely use a wand properly

 **Luna Lovegood** : Sorry everyone, I left my phone outside. What’re you all talking about?

 **M** : hey Luna, if you see Newt, will you tell him to get his damn Selma off my property? it’s eating everything with a pulse

 **Luna Lovegood** : Oh no! Did it get you?

 **M** : not yet, but it bit Aithusa the other day. not pretty.

 **Ron Weasley** : Guys seriosly stop withthe dinging

 **You** : Typing lessons not going well, then?

 **Ron Weasley** : shuttup

 **M** : u know u can just dictate into the phone now

 **You** : How do you know that?

 **M** : i know stuff

 **M** : ok lily told me

 **Ginny Potter** : Side note, if I find out you’ve been letting her ride that dragon again, I’ll kick your arse, I don’t care how powerful you are.

 **M** : i believe u

 **Neville Longbottom** : Harry, is that you?

 **You** : It’s a group chat, Neville.

 **Neville Longbottom** : I only use my phone for the calendar, I don’t even know what that means.

 **M** : hey Neville, how’re the mandrakes?

 **Neville Longbottom** : Better, thanks! Er, who is this?

 **Merlin** : Merlin

 **Neville Longbottom** : Oh, good! Could you ask Harry where Professor Snape used to keep the Veritaserum ingredients for his class? I can’t find them, and I’m low.

 **You** : Still here, Neville.

 **You** : Er, I think he took that stuff with him, actually.

 **Hermione Granger** : Wait, is Professor Snape not teaching anymore?

 **Ron Weasley** : Thank Merlin!

 **Merlin** : stop that

 **You** : Come on, guys, Neville told us weeks ago that he quit, we practically celebrated that weekend—oh, it must have been all the Firewhisky.

 **Merlin** : hey why wasn’t i invited?

 **You** : ?? You were invited. You were THERE.

 **Ron Weasley** : U really cant hold ur drink mate

 **Merlin** : yea it’s a problem

 **Ginny Weasley** : So did Leonardo ever figure out who you were?

 **Merlin** : who, that guy from Vinci?

 **Merlin** : no i don’t think he’d ever heard of me

 **Merlin** : he seemed pretty convinced i was an angel or something tho. had to skip town

 **Merlin** : why did i tell u guys about that?

 **Luna Lovegood** : I found a painting of you.

 **Merlin** : oh oups

 **Hermione Granger** : It’s spelt “oops.”

 **Merlin** : ffs

 **Merlin** : i hate English, have i ever mentioned that?

 **You** : Once or twice.

 **Merlin** : stupid made-up frankenlanguage


	2. Let's Annoy Albus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A brief note on the post-canon world in this story: I've never been 100% on board with the epilogue of the last Harry Potter book, but I've mostly followed its depiction of the gang's later lives anyway--with the exception of the name of one character (which will quickly become obvious). That would be particularly strange in this story given that his namesakes are both still alive and scheming, so I renamed him after someone that didn't always get enough credit. Anyway, enjoy the chapter! And as always, thanks for reading and commenting :)

_5:04 a.m._

**Old Man** : lol ur in the paper again

**You** : Stop texting me.

**You** : And why are you always up so early?

**Old Man** : what, it’s just like writing letters

**You** : No, it isn’t.

**Old Man** : is too

**You** : Merlin, what do you want?

**Old Man** : got another vision

**You** : Wonderful.

**Old Man** : do me a favour and don’t chew any gum for a few weeks

**You** : Do I look like the sort of man who chews gum?

**Old Man** : especially if it’s mint flavoured

**You** : Fine.

**Old Man** : also are u using that scarf i gave you?

**You** : I am a grown man. I know how to dress myself.

**Old Man** : im just saying, you could catch cold

**You** : Hold on, why was I in the paper?

**You** : Merlin?

* * *

_8:53 a.m._

**Old Man** : hey do u have Rubeus’s number?

**You** : Telephone number? I am quite certain he does not own one, nor could he probably operate it if he did.

**Old** **Man** : sure he does, he got it for his birthday.

**Old** **Man** : oh i meant the Potter boy, not Hagrid.

**You** : Why do you need HIS telephone number?

**Old Man** : asked me to help him with something

**You** : Well, I do not know it. Why would I?

**You** : Aren’t you meant to be taking an exam right now?

**Old Man** : uhh yea i did, i’m just sitting here for a bit to make it more believable

**You** : I had better not hear that you cheated.

**Old** **Man** : first of all

**Old** **Man** : how dare u

**Old** **Man** : second of all

**Old** **Man** : whatre u gonna do, report me for using x-ray vision to see exactly where the thalamus is?

**You** : Did you?

**Old Man** : no

**You** : Merlin, leave me alone. I have a meeting with the Minister in five minutes.

**Old Man** : tell her i said hi

**You** : No.

**Old Man** : come on Al, you used to be so much more fun

**You** : My name—

**Old Man** : don’t tell me the whole thing again, i can’t take it

…

**You** : Did you just interrupt a text message? How is that possible?

**Old Man** : haha still keeping u on ur toes after all this time!

**You** : Too long, Merlin. Too long.

**Old Man** : ur so mean

* * *

_9:08_

**Old Man** : hey will u tell the Minister her son’s at my house?

…

**You** : She would like to know where her husband is.

**Old Man** : dunno, haven’t seen him. all i know is, Hugo’s in my living room eating my mum’s sweetbread and talking to Aithusa thru the window about some sort of comic book

**You** : Merlin, this is Hermione. Did Hugo walk there?

**Old Man** : i’ll ask

**Old Man** : he says he ‘imagined himself here.’ blimey Hermione, you’ve got a handful with this one, he’s worse than i am

**You** : I doubt that.

**Old Man** : is that Albus or Hermione?

**You** : Still Hermione. Could you just try and keep Hugo out of trouble until Ron arrives? Sorry for the bother…

**Old Man** : yea don’t worry about it, if i can handle Albus i can handle Hugo

**You** : Thank you for that.

**Old Man** : no prob Albus

* * *

_11:51 a.m._

**Old Man** : hey wanna come over for lunch with the Weasleys?

**You** : No, thank you. I cannot spare the time today.

**Old Man** : i dunno why u don’t just let Nora do her job instead of micromanaging her, she’ll take care of the delinquents

**You** : She has, shall we say, a very black-and-white moral code. She is also a cat.

**Old Man** : don’t discriminate

**You** : You could have been headmaster right now, and if you were, you could be making the decisions. But since you are not, stay out of it.

**Old Man** : all right damn

**Minerva** : While this has been a very entertaining set of messages to discover upon returning to my office, I must insist that you either desist or tell me how to turn off these accursed sounds.

**Old Man** : ah, there you are

**You** : Merlin! How long has Minerva been in this group?

**You** : No offence intended, Minerva.

**You** : You, on the other hand, Merlin, are the bane of my existence.

**Minerva** : None taken.

**Old Man** : oh yea i added her this morning to tell her about you being in the news

**You** : I should never have let you talk me into using this accursed device.

**Minerva** : Nor I.

**Old Man** : come on guys, it’s fun! Muggles make the coolest things sometimes

**Old Man** : Minnie, want to come over for lunch with the Weasleys?

**Minerva** : Very well. Why not?

**Old Man** : great! see, Albus? it’s fun

**You** : Minerva and I shall be forming a group without you.

**Old Man** : hey!

**Minerva** : I would still like these notifications to stop.

* * *

_2:34 p.m._

**Old Man** : hey Albus

**You** : I’m throwing away my phone.

**Old Man** : no don’t! i hate having to wake Archimedes every time i want to ask you something

**You** : You actually named your owl Archimedes? I thought that was a joke.

**Old Man** : it was a joke. and i did name him that.

**You** : Sometimes I cannot help but believe that you WANT people to figure out who you are.

**Old Man** : meh, everyone important already knows, anyway

**You** : What about that nice old lady next-door? I’m sure she would love to get to know you better.

**Old Man** : ugh what am i, a cradle robber?

**You** : She has a most interesting habit of reading beside the front window whenever you happen to be out gardening.

**Old Man** : leave me alone

**Old Man** : or do u want me to tell Minnie about your Spaniard?

**You** : Lovely weather we’re having.

* * *

_5:27 p.m._

**You** : You never did finish that story about Sir Gwaine.

**Old Man** : Albus stop getting me drunk

**You** : I don’t really have to try.

**Old Man** : yeah my uncle did used to say i’d be under the table after one whiff of a barmaid’s apron

**You** : Colourful.

**Old Man** : yeah that’s why i remember it, probably

**You** : Well? How did you resolve his debts at the Rising Sun?

**Old Man** : I told you the name of the tavern?

**Old Man** : i didn’t even know i remembered the name of the tavern

**Old Man** : i hope this question isn’t born out of some personal dilemma

**You** : Not yet, no.

**Old Man** : well anyway i told them Arthur’d pay his tab

**You** : You what?

**You** : And that worked?

**Old Man** : yeah i have a trustworthy face, people always buy my nonsense

**You** : I’ve noticed. More importantly, did he actually pay it?

**Old Man** : yep. he was mad, and he made us shine all the boots or something to pay him back, but he did it all right

**You** : He must have been very fond of you.

**Old Man** : I didn’t think so at the time, but, yeah… i think he was.

* * *

_8:13 p.m._

**You** : I know you’ve been in here messing around. Whatever you took, give it back.

**Old Man** : no

**You** : Then I shall break into your house and steal it back.

**Old Man** : love to see you try

**Minerva** : For reasons I cannot fathom, I am still in this group.

**You** : Merlin!

**Old Man** : all right so i don’t fully understand how these things work. i’m from the sixth century. my bones should be in a museum right now. give me a break

**Minerva** : How morbid.

**You** : I’m sure your neighbour would quickly disabuse you of that notion, given the chance. She seems to think you quite vital, for an old man.

**Old Man** : Albus!

**Minerva** : The neighbour who keeps offering him tea?

**You** : The same.

**Old Man** : well Albus went out with a Quidditch player missing half a front tooth! talk about that!

**You** : The lisp was temporary.

…

**You** : Merlin dated a werecat.

**Old Man** : hey, don’t talk about the Lady of the Lake that way

**Minerva** : Perhaps I ought to remain in this group after all.


End file.
